Intro
Self-actualization, confidence, and fulfillment. All things we strive for and are told we need to achieve to live a, at the least, satisfactory life. Whether or not it’s true that these things are necessary for overall happiness (and I use the term happiness reluctantly here as striving for an emotion to be your constant is unrealistic and unproductive, but that’s a conversation for another post), is up for debate and certainly subjective (though I myself believe it to be true).
Just because it’s necessary though, doesn’t mean we always have a clear idea of what that means or how to achieve it. Really, I believe we can never fully achieve these things and that they are actually things we must practice and work towards for our entire lives. This truth can be hard to accept and work with, true, but the sooner you do then the sooner you get a hold of these things and what they mean to you.
For me, these are things at the forefront of my mind nearly all the time. They represent the areas of my life and growth that I see as most crucial, most worthy of my time. So what am I really getting at here? Why am I rambling about self-actualization and the like? Well, most selfishly, one reason is simply that I enjoy a space to sound off and get my thoughts out. I like to indulge in sharing of my rambles and I like to think people read them. Another reason is to simply provide perspective. That is, give anyone who reads this insight into the life of another person. I find that it can be valuable for me to consider and realize the perspectives and experiences of other people, especially in regards to the subjective truths of their lives and the things they focus on most big picture wise. Because this is a big picture thing for me really, a big picture thing that answers some of people’s greatest life questions like what is my purpose? What matters most? What can I do to help myself live authentically and come out at the end of my life with a sense of having done it right?
Here, I’ll do my best to discuss and define what things like self-actualization, confidence, authenticity, and fulfillment mean to me; how I work towards these things in my life and what I think will bring them; where I struggle with these things and barriers to achievement; and finally, some things to consider for yourself in relation to these concepts and overall life satisfaction.
Defining Self-Actualization, Confidence, Authenticity, and Fulfillment
So, what do all these concepts mean? Probably most importantly, what is self-actualization? To those familiar with Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, you’ll recognize that as the top of the pyramid. The be all and end all of needs. I’ve included the pyramid below as a little example for those unfamiliar, as it may be helpful.
For context, Maslow’s hierarchy of needs is just what it sounds like: a tiered list of needs that are inherent to people and necessary for a good and fulfilled life. It works from the bottom up, meaning that base needs must be addressed before you can move up to higher needs. The higher the need on the pyramid, the more important and the more work to address. Self-actualization sits at the top of this pyramid. Now, we don’t necessarily have to agree with Maslow on the order of importance for these needs, but the pyramid does help to put things in perspective. Self-actualization refers to the realization or fulfillment of a person’s potential. Essentially, it means to reach your potential and be the best version of yourself. It also means to feel fulfilled and satisfied in who you are. I, personally, agree with Maslow that this is the most important of all needs in a person’s life. Why? Simply because at the end of the day who we are and live as is always ourselves and if we can’t be satisfied and fully realized as ourselves then we can’t begin to see our lives as having purpose or importance. Really, as cliché as it sounds, there’s only one you so why not strive to reach your full potential as yourself? In a way, there’s no point in existing if you’re not going to do it in a way that is authentic and fulfilling to the self. I think it’s important to note, self-actualization will always be an ongoing process as people grow and change. We are never really done in fulfilling who we are, that is, unless we’re well and truly dead.
All the other concepts I referenced like confidence, authenticity, and fulfillment are in deep connection to self-actualization and working towards it. Confidence is all about trust in yourself and your abilities and feeling self-assured. When we achieve this, or more accurately practice it, we make it easier for ourselves to achieve self-actualization. After all, it’s much more difficult to reach our potential when we aren’t even sure of ourselves in the first place. Authenticity means being genuine and true to ourselves. It is absolutely necessary to be authentic and explore our true selves in order to reach our potential. It’s not exactly self-actualization if we’re doing what isn’t really true to us. Finally, fulfillment. Fulfillment comes from self-actualization and is ultimately the goal of it. Fulfilment means to feel a sense of achievement, accomplishment, and satisfaction. In this case, the fulfillment is in regards to our lives and ourselves. I’m not sure about others, but at least for me, at the end of my life what I want most is to feel satisfied and like I accomplished all that my potential allowed. Of course, what exactly brings these things or what having these things means is different for each person. One of life’s challenges is to figure out what these things mean to us and what we can do to help ourselves reach them.
What This Looks Like For Me
So, for me, what does self-actualization look like? What about confidence, authenticity, and fulfillment? It’s certainly a long and complicated answer, but I’ll do my best to explain. To even begin to understand these things for myself, I’ve had to do quite a lot of introspection. Those that know me well will know that, yeah, I’ve spent a lot of time on that. Some may even think too much, and that is fair enough. I am definitely the kind of person that over analyzes myself and sits with that a lot. Maybe a little less time on that would suit me well, but I can’t deny that I have spent a lot of time sitting with myself and trying to decide and discern who that is. Whenever I think about who I am and what I think realizing my potential might look like, I always come up with the same sort of things. I believe I’m someone that has a lot to say, someone with endless creative potential, someone that should be seen. I also think that I have a unique perspective that is meant to be heard, in that I think perhaps what I have to say could help people in their own lives and learning. Ultimately, where I think my potential lies is with the things I prioritize and believe matter most. Currently, I prioritize art and culture (entrenching myself in it, trying to contribute myself), community building (finding myself in community, sharing resources, mutual aid), teaching (about mental health, queer identity, and more), and learning (taking in more lessons, experiencing more of the world). In knowing what makes me tick, I know where I may realize my potential or self-actualize. So, at this point in time, I feel the most me and the most secure in that when I am engaging in any of the categories that I prioritize in my life. For instance, when I go to my favourite LGBTQ+ nightlife space and I feel like I am a full part of things then I feel deeply connected with my prioritization of community. When I feel deep connection to my priorities or like I am working within them, I feel as though I am doing what I am meant to. It is this sort of feeling that helps guide me in my quest for self-actualization. The goal posts will always move, and what makes me feel like I’m doing what I meant to may change. The underlying principles I follow to work towards it, however, are unchanging. Identify your priorities and what makes you feel aligned with yourself, then you’ll be golden.
Confidence and authenticity are things I always have to work on and focus on in order to facilitate self-actualization. Basically, I don’t feel like I could have my moments of feeling like I’m where I’m meant to be nearly as much if I weren’t feeling the confidence necessary to put myself in those places. For me, confidence isn’t really about feeling certain or brave. Instead, it’s about showing up anyway. It’s all about trust in myself and who I am, knowing that even if I’m awkward, anxious, or unsure, I still have something to offer. It’s not a permanent state, and I don’t think it ever will be. Rather, it is something I”m constantly practicing. It doesn’t always mean being bold, it sometimes just means being assured in myself and my choices enough that I can quietly persist. It means taking risks by saying yes to opportunities and putting myself out there even when I’m scared or unsure. It’s standing in a room where I feel out of place and deciding I deserve to be there anyway.
Similarly, I wouldn’t put myself where I needed to be if I wasn’t living authentically. If I were trying to be someone else or fit a certain mould… I wouldn’t be aligned with myself. Authenticity is deeply tied to confidence for me. If confidence is the fuel that gets me showing up, authenticity is what determines how I do that. I’ve always been the type of person to always be myself, that is, I show up as unapologetically me. I don’t care if I’m not conventional, if I’m different from every other person in the room. I am willing to be me no matter what. Despite always being myself, a long of my life has been trying to figure out who I’m supposed to be and how I should act. What is palatable? What is impressive? What isn’t “too much”? But the more I’ve tried to answer these questions and fit within the answers, the further I’ve felt from fulfillment. When I’m being authentic, I’m allowing my intensity, my softness, my weirdness, and my contradictions to exist. I’m not diluting myself to make others more comfortable. That doesn’t mean I’m always comfortable or brave about it, but it does mean I try to be honest with myself and others about who I am even when it feels vulnerable.
Fulfillment is what comes to me when I am doing what it takes to come closer to self-actualization. It is also the byproduct of confidence and authenticity. It’s not always a big, shining moment. A lot of times it’s just something quietly maintained in the background. When I’m creating, sharing, connecting, and living in alignment with the things I care most about, art, community, teaching, learning, I feel fulfilled. That feeling doesn’t come from perfection or external validation. It comes from knowing that I’m living with intention and integrity. That I’m not just surviving, but expressing myself. It’s those moments when I feel connected to something bigger than myself that I feel closest to who I really am. It is the feeling that shows me I’m on the right track. I live my life and do what I do with these things all in mind, and as a result? I feel probably the most settled in who I am and how my life is going than I have ever been before.
Obstacles and Barriers
Of course, there are a lot of obstacles that get in the way of confidence, authenticity, fulfillment, and reaching self-actualization. First, external factors. These will never entirely go away and are the things that require balancing and working around. These are things such as work, school, financial strain, social expectations, the way people perceive and treat me and more. These are things outside my control for the most part and these things don’t just disappear when I decide to work on myself. They shape the landscape I’m trying to grow in. Sometimes they create barriers to access. For example, not having the time, energy, or resources to pursue what fulfills me. Sometimes they affect my confidence, especially when I’m in environments that don’t recognize my value or actively try to diminish it. There’s also the way social dynamics play into all of this. Being part of marginalized communities means I’m constantly negotiating visibility and safety. It’s hard to be authentic when you’re afraid of rejection or when you don’t neatly fit into the boxes of people’s comfort and expectations.. It’s hard to feel confident when the world often punishes you for being different. Sometimes, authenticity feels risky and sometimes survival can mean putting a cap on your authenticity.
Then there are the internal factors, the ones that live inside me and that I impose on myself. These can be even harder to deal with because they’re personal, don’t go away just because I’m aware of them, and often are deeply entrenched. These are things like self-doubt, shame, anxiety, and internalized messages I’ve picked up over the years. The fear of being “too much” or “not enough.” The tendency to overthink, to criticize myself, to second-guess my instincts or even forget my instincts completely. These are things I’m always working on unlearning and healing from, and sometimes it feels like I’m making progress, and sometimes it doesn’t. Trauma plays a role, too. Some of the ways I’ve learned to protect myself can directly conflict with being authentic. These are things like masking, people pleasing, shoving down my own needs, and more. Some of the ways I’ve learned to survive make it harder to trust that I can show up as I am and still be okay. And when I’m disconnected from myself, fulfillment feels far away. There’s also the pressure to “figure it all out.” That perfectionistic urge to have a clear path, a defined sense of purpose, a polished self. Unfortunately, self-actualization doesn’t really work that way. It’s not a set destination and the path to get there never stays constant. Having all these limitations in mind and naming them helps me to be aware of what I’m working with and still keep on the path that works best for me. When we know what sets us back, we know how to prepare and what to look out for.
Conclusion and Reflection Questions
That’s me, but what about you? All of these things, the path to self-actualization, look different for each of us. Reading the thoughts of another on these big life questions can help us to figure out some answers for ourselves, that’s why I wrote this in the first place. To end this blog post, I’ve included some reflection questions below that you can use to help think about these topics and what they mean to you. I hope they help, and I hope that you can take even just a small step toward your own self-actualization. Good luck!
Reflection Questions:
- What does self-actualization mean to you personally?
- When do you feel most aligned with your values and purpose?
- What activities or moments make you feel most fulfilled?
- Can you remember a time you felt like you were exactly where you were meant to be? What were you doing, and why did it feel that way?
- What would a fully realized version of yourself look like?
- What helps you feel confident in yourself and your choices?
- How do you show up differently when you’re feeling confident vs. when you’re not?
- What external messages or experiences have impacted your self-confidence over time?
- What kind of environments support your confidence and what kinds diminish it?
- Where in your life do you feel most able to be your authentic self?
- Are there areas where you feel you’re performing or hiding parts of yourself? Why?
- How has your sense of authenticity changed over time?
- What internal or external forces make it hard for you to be fully yourself?
- What stories or beliefs about yourself might be getting in your way?
- What coping mechanisms have helped you survive, but now need to be re-evaluated in your growth process?
- How do you reconnect with yourself when you’ve started to feel lost or disconnected?
- What are your current priorities? Where are you directing your energy right now?
- How do you know when you’re on the right path for you, not just what’s expected?
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