A Short Story written by me in 2020

It had been months since I had sat down to write and now here I was staring at a blank screen. Writing used to be something that I didn’t even have to think about. I would just sit down, and the words would flow from my head to the page like water. These days it was a whole task in and of itself just to make myself think about writing let alone actually do it. What once was energizing, was now only a task made for frustration. 

I had been sitting at my desk staring at my laptop for hours and still I had nothing. In a burst of anger I slammed my laptop shut and slumped back in my chair with my head in my hands. I could hear footsteps in the hall outside of my room, they paced lightly until they stopped. There was brief pause and then there was a small knock on my door.

“Sam? Are you alright in there?” asked my mother from outside the door.

For a moment I sat in silence until I responded, “Yes mom, I’m fine.”

She opened the door and looked at me with a pitying expression on her face. “Can I come in?” she asked without waiting for an answer. “How is the writing going sweetheart?” 

“Not well. I’ve got nothing.” I muttered.

She put her hand on my shoulder, “Maybe you need a break… Your sister and I are going to go out for a walk, I think you should come.”

I blinked and looked at the floor. I could hear the sound of rain pattering against the window. “In this weather? I’d rather not.” 

“Really? You love the rain,” she raised her eyebrows and shook her head before reaching across my desk to put my laptop into its bag. “Come on, we’ll be waiting downstairs for you.” She motioned for me to get up, and then left without another word. 

With a sigh I rose from my chair and walked to stand in front of the window. The sky was dark and grey, filled with only clouds in all directions. The rain beat down hard, and there was clearly no end in sight. Why my mother chose today of all days to go out for a walk, I couldn’t say. Grabbing my coat off the hook on the wall, I rolled my eyes and headed down the stairs. 

***

The awkwardness that hung in the air during the car ride was palpable. So far, the journey was marked by silence. Though we normally would go for our walks in the Burnaby Mountain trails near our home, my mom decided on a whim to take us walking at Sasamat Lake instead. Other times I might have questioned her about why, but today I resigned to her choice. My younger sister, Olivia, sat in the front seat of the car looking out the window. She was quiet, in fact she hadn’t said even a word to me all day. To be fair, I responded likewise. As of late, our conversations did not have much substance anyway. I could never tell if it was because Olivia was avoiding me, or if it was because I was avoiding her.

I turned my head to the window and watched the rain drops slide down the glass. Some drops splattered hard against the window, some slowly trailed towards the ground, and others stuck to the glass motionless. I watched as a moving droplet inched closer and closer to one of the stagnant drops. Just as the trailing water nearly merged with the still raindrop, the motionless droplet began to drip down the glass as if on purpose. 

I sighed and took a deep breathe, inhaling the ever present stench of cigarettes that stuck to the car’s interior. It was a smell I always found disgusting. Just one whiff was enough to make me grimace, but being forced to sit in it for any prolonged period of time was deeply uncomfortable. 

When my parents first bought the car I remembered my mom telling my dad, “My only rule is that you’re not allowed to smoke in there.” Obviously that rule was broken. I remember how mad we all were at him for permanently stinking up our new family car. Olivia had since changed her mind and though it was unspoken, I knew it was because it reminded her of dad. That same sense of familiarity just made me hate it more.

Mom broke the silence just as she pulled into the White Pine Beach parking lot, “You know, getting out for a walk will be good for us! Physical activity is important, we really should be making a point to make healthy choices.” She had always been sure to push the importance of doing things that were good for our health, that had only increased after our dad died.

“We know mom…” I could practically hear my sister rolling her eyes up in the passenger seat. Olivia always took our mom’s lifestyle suggestions as nagging, even more so these days. 

“I’m just worried you two aren’t taking care of yourselves enough,” Mom said this often, “your dad wouldn’t want you to stop caring about things.” 

I shook my head to myself as I opened the car door and rolled my eyes. “If dad cared about healthy choices then he sure had a funny way of showing it…”

Olivia opened her door and abruptly started walking away towards the path leading to the beach. She didn’t even bother to put her hood on as I watched the rain begin to soak her hair. Our mom shot me a pointed look as she closed her door and followed after Olivia. I lagged behind as they walked slightly ahead, and I could just barely hear our mom saying something to my sister in a comforting tone.

The rain landed on my coat slightly lighter than it had before as I walked under the cover of some trees on the stairs leading towards the beach. Breathing in the fresh rain scented air, I felt a small sense of comfort and relief. The beach and surrounding trails were empty, save for my mom, sister, and me. White Pine Beach was often crowded, but due to the rain it was comfortably empty. 

Soon, Olivia fell back to walk next to me. Our mom glanced back at us for a moment, and I could see a flash of some sort of recognition in her facial expression as she walked further down the beach to give us space. Meandering down the length of the beach with my sister until we came to a stop to look across the lake, I could feel the same sense of tension between us that was now default. 

“Why do you always have to say things like that?” Olivia questioned.

I stared blankly ahead, “say things like what?’

“Oh I don’t know, maybe things like ‘If dad cared about healthy choices then he sure had a funny way of showing it.’,”  she said mockingly. If I were looking at her I’m sure I’d see her rolling her eyes or scowling, maybe both.

“It’s true Olivia. Maybe you don’t want to hear it, but it’s true. He obviously didn’t care, or else he’d still be here.” I turned to look at her and saw she had tears welling up in her eyes.

“He never meant for this to happen! Why do you keep blaming him?” I could hear her voice cracking.

“Because it’s his fault! It’s all his fucking fault!” I yelled.

I caught a glimpse as Olivia’s tears began to fall before she quickly turned away. “Don’t say that.” 

I rolled my eyes and sat on the damp sand. Olivia huffed and stomped off to go stand with our mom a small distance further down the beach. I turned my gaze back towards the lake and tried to clear my head. The water of lake was calm and clear with only the ripples of splashing raindrops to disturb it. The trees stood silent and strong with no wind to jostle them. Save for the rain and resulting ripples on the lake, the scene was entirely still. 

I looked up to the sky and cold raindrops hit my face. When a drop of rain directly hit my eye I instinctively blinked and scrunched up my face, the cold sensation shocking me. Lowering my face, I looked around again. Now the stillness of my surrounding was uncomfortable.  The silence morphed to eerie, and the space all around me suddenly felt closed in. A lump began to form in my throat and something in that moment felt like it was missing. I looked towards my mom and sister standing together not too far down the beach. I thought about getting up to join them, but continued to sit still. Squeezing my eyes shut, I put my head in my hands.

The last time I’d been to Sasamat Lake I was with my dad. It was the last time I’d been with him before he died. That was months ago now, but I thought about it almost every day. I set my eyes on the space next to my mom. My dad should have been there walking next to her and laughing, lightheartedly making fun of her like he always did. But there was no laughter exchanged between my mom and sister. Laughter died with my dad. It was impossible to escape the fact that he wasn’t with us. 

Dad and I used to bond in nature. We used to come to the lake, walk around the trail together, and just talk. I remembered how the last time we were here he joked and complained around the entire lake trail about how out of shape and old he was. Not even two days later he was gone. In retrospect, his fatigue really was nothing to joke about.

I closed my eyes tightly to avoid crying as I began to lie down on my back with my face to the sky. The cold rain hit my face again. I wanted him to be there with me more than anything. Maybe our mom had brought us here to try to get us to feel connected to him again. At that moment, he couldn’t have possibly felt more far away.

I heard a rustle from the bushes behind me, and for a split second I imagined it was my dad coming back to join us after walking away for a moment to smoke a cigarette like he always would. Even though it couldn’t have been him, that never stopped the hope from arising. Instead, it was something far different and perhaps even more unexpected. Out of nowhere, a man burst forward from the bushes. The man was stark naked. My eyes widened in surprise. I sat up swiftly and turned to face my mom and sister with bewildered faces as they looked towards the source of the noise was. The man ran towards the lake, but for a moment I thought he was coming towards me and I scrambled to my feet and ran away towards my family. He ignored us entirely, and ran with reckless abandon into the water. I blinked multiple times, as if to convince myself this was actually happening. I now stood next to Olivia. She nudged me and made a face at me as if to ask if this was really happening. It was still cold and raining, but the man did not seem to care. He swam as if nothing in the world could possibly bother him. 

My mom, sister, and I looked back and forth between each other in complete shock. Then, we all started laughing. I laughed so hard that I had to sit back on the ground and fall on my back to catch my breath. 

The moment was absolutely ridiculous. My dad would have pissed himself laughing, I couldn’t wait to tell him what I witnessed at our spot. And then came the realization that I could never tell him. But this time that realization didn’t hurt so bad. This time, there was laughter. And for the first time in months, I allowed myself to cry. 

My mom looked down at me with a small smile, but I could see the sadness in her eyes. I closed my eyes for a moment, and thought about all the things my dad and I shared. I thought about the ways in which we connected, and how we used to bond. Then, I stood up from the ground, grabbed my mom and sister, and pulled them in for a hug. We melted into each other’s arms as the rain continued to drench us.

After some time we pulled away from each other. We exchanged small smiles and unanimously began to walk back up to the car. I turned back to look at the man still swimming, blissfully unaware of the good deed he’d just done.

***

As we reached the parking lot I saw my sister go to sit in the backseat. Instead of sitting up front, I decided to sit in the back with her. My mom started the car, while Olivia and I comfortably rested our heads against each other. For a few minutes we sat in silence. Then, unlike every other time in recent memory, I spoke first.

“I miss dad.,” I said shakily, almost unsure that it was okay to say so. Before, I felt like I needed to pretend I was over it. Now, I needed to talk.

“Oh honey, I miss him too,” and as she said it I could hear the relief in her voice. I could tell it felt good for her to say so, but most of all I knew it felt good for her to hear me say it. 

“Me too,” Olivia echoed.

I thought for a moment, unsure of how to proceed. Talking about dad wasn’t easy, but I was glad I said something. I decided for now to change the subject. “You know, at first I wasn’t really sure why we came here,” I started. “But…”

“I was right? A walk was good for us?” Mom said in a playful tone of voice. 

“Yeah,” Olivia and I said simultaneously. We turned to look at each other and smiled, our earlier conversation entirely left behind us. 

We sat the rest the of the ride home in silence, the first comfortable silence I’d experienced with other people in a long time. I could feel a level of understanding between us. It felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.

***

Closing my bedroom door behind me, I took off my coat and hung it back up on the hook on the wall. I looked at my desk and then at my bed. For the first time in ages, it felt easy to choose to sit down at my desk. I sat, looked at my laptop, and took a deep breath. I remembered all the times my dad and I would write together, I remembered filling in the blanks of his stories, and I remembered showing him all that I wrote.

I opened my laptop and I knew what I would write. I would imagine I was telling the story of the man streaking on the beach to my dad. Even though he wouldn’t be there to read it, I knew that he’d be proud. I resolved to take the time to think about him, and to do the things we both loved. I could share the things I loved with my mom and Olivia, just as we’d shared in the experience at the beach. I opened my laptop and the screen lit up with a blank document open. With tears in my eyes, I started my first sentence and smiled.