CONTENT WARNING: suicide, suicidal ideation

Intro

There are few topics that, when brought up in conversation or otherwise, have the power to immediately change the energy in a room. Certain topics have the power to immediately silence conversation, introduce a sense of heaviness, and make most uncomfortable. Suicide and suicidal ideation is one of those topics. Even in a general sense speaking of suicide can have this effect, but discussions of personal accounts relating to suicide are in a league of their own. It’s understandable, suicide is a heavy topic and when people share their own personal connections to it, it can make others concerned, emotional, and even scared. Despite the taboo nature of the topic, I believe it is imperative that we openly speak on it and share our own experiences as much as possible. In this post, I hope to shed some light on suicidality and share my own experiences in order to take it out of the dark shadow cast over it.

Why do we have to talk about it?

If suicide is so uncomfortable to talk about then why do we have to bother? Why can’t we just continue on with avoiding the topic in the name of comfort? There are a myriad of reasons why it is important to talk about suicide openly, but most of them boil down building awareness and removing stigma. Perhaps one of the greatest and most effective supports for people dealing with suicidal ideation is connection with others, however, it can be difficult for those with these struggles to feel like they can seek this crucial support. Often times, those that struggle with suicidal thoughts feel the need to keep it to themselves out of shame for having these thoughts in the first place. They don’t want to be judged or to scare their loved ones. In taking the time to openly and honestly discuss suicide, we help to make it more safe and comfortable for those who need support to seek it. Additionally, talking about suicide is important for educating the wider populace about it. Most people are in the dark about what suicidal ideation truly entails or how they can help those who struggle with it. It’s important for us to change that.

The scale of suicidality: Active vs Passive Suicidal thoughts

What a lot of people don’t realize is that suicidality is a scale. That is, there are different degrees as to which a person is suicidal. It’s important to recognize that being suicidal is not an all or nothing type of thing. Different people are at different levels of risk for suicide, it is not a case of either being at risk or not. Suicidal thoughts exist on a sort of spectrum and these thoughts can be categorized into passive or active suicidal thoughts. Though this is unknown to many people, people who are suicidal do not always think things like “I want to kill myself” or even “I want to be dead”. Suicidal thoughts can also take the form of thoughts such as “I wish I didn’t exist”, “I hope I don’t wake up tomorrow morning”, or “maybe I’ll get lucky and get hit by a car”. These types of thoughts are ones that don’t necessarily involve a plan or even real intent to kill oneself. This is what indirect suicidal ideation is, a desire to die (or otherwise not exist/experience life) without a plan to kill oneself or intent to carry it out. Direct suicidal thoughts, then, involve a desire to die with a plan and/or intent to carry it out. These thoughts are more in line with the types of thoughts we more readily associate with suicidality. Of course, people can move up and down the scale. Perhaps one day you just think to yourself that you wish you weren’t here, placing you lower on the scale, whereas another day you also start to consider how you might go about your death. Naturally, the degree to which someone with suicidal thoughts has a plan can also vary widely from vague ideas to specific steps and desire to carry it out. Even just having a readily available and pretty clear idea of how you could kill yourself can count as having a plan. Regardless of where someone falls on the scale, they are at risk and it’s important to take them seriously.

Assessing Risk and Supporting Suicidal Individuals

Of course, while everyone experiencing suicidal thoughts is at some risk, certain people are at more risk that others. What determines risk? Many things including the type of suicidal thoughts (active or passive), frequency of suicidal thoughts, plans for suicide, means for suicide, and intent. Someone with active thoughts, a high degree of frequency, a plan, access to means to carry out a plan, but no desire or intent to act on the plan is at a high degree of risk, but less so than someone who also has the intent to act on their suicidal desires. A person can have any combination of these things and be at a different amount of risk, but at risk nonetheless. It is important for us to assess ourselves and others for risk when concerns of suicide are involved so that we can take the right steps to protect ourselves and others. How do we assess others for risk? First, we need to pay attention to signs that those around us may be suicidal. Signs may include talking about suicide or a plan for it, social withdrawal, a noticeable lack of purpose, increased substance use, hopelessness, significant mood changes, talking about being a burden, and appearing to be planning for death (ie saying goodbyes, getting rid of things, getting stuff in order). If you think someone in your life may be considering suicide or you are otherwise concerned, it is important for you to not ignore your concern or beat around the bush about it. The most important thing you can do for someone struggling with suicidal thoughts is to show them support and be there for them. It is okay and even advised for your to directly ask someone you are concerned about “have you been having thoughts of suicide?”. Make it obvious you notice and care for them as showing concern can be an immensely crucial step to help someone. Talking openly and honestly about suicide and listening to those struggling about it will not increase their risk of suicide and can even be life saving. Reassure them they are not alone and let them know you care. Additionally, you can help by connecting them with resources for support such as crisis lines, counsellors, or another trusted individual.

My own Experience

Because I believe personal accounts are often the most illustrative, I want to take the time to be vulnerable myself and discuss my own experience with suicidal ideation. I hope that my sharing will help you to understand this topic a little bit better and I appreciate being allowed the space for vulnerability. Just a quick disclaimer, I am okay and being supported thoroughly. That being said, I always welcome more connection and support from anyone who would like to give it. That all being said, I can’t remember exactly when my first suicidal thoughts began. I think this just goes to show how these thoughts do not just suddenly and obviously appear, but rather are gradual and much more insidious. It can be easy not to notice yourself becoming more suicidal which, yes, can be scary. From what I can remember, my own suicidal thoughts started occurring as I began to experience more pervasive depression and anxiety. For instance, I remember when I was still working at the grocery store I started at in my teen years that I often had thoughts bordering on suicidal. My job made me miserable as customer service working inspired a high degree of stress and anxiety for me, each day on my way to work I’d dread the day ahead of me and even feel tearful. I remember wishing I’d get hit by a car on my way to work. Perhaps at the time I didn’t want to die, just become injured enough to miss work. Sometimes, my dread of work translated into wishfully imagining just not waking up the next day and getting to miss work. Again, I don’t know if it was death that I wished or just sleep. In the monotony of my depressions, I remember wanting nothing but to sleep all day. Any time I was awake I was stuck with a deep dread and feeling that I wasn’t supposed to be “here” and that I wished I wasn’t. I frequently wished to not exist, to not be conscious, and to simply have a break from life. I was never actively suicidal, but passively for sure. There have been many times where in my depression or mixed phases (mixed meaning a combination of hypomanic and depressed symptoms) or perhaps at this point all the time, where my suicidal ideation has bled into my jokes and complaints. Often when I’m upset about something I’ll say “I want to die” or if something goes wrong “I’m going to kill myself”. I’ve made my share of dark jokes as well. In a way, I think humour helps me to cope with it. Recently, I’ve come to realize that while I’d previously thought I didn’t have a plan, I was wrong. In fact, I do have a plan or at least some semblance. In this case, having a plan for me means that off the top of my head I have a good idea of what I would do to end my life if I did. I will not go into detail and explain the plan here, but I will say how I came to realize it even was a plan. I was casually talking to my partner about methods that I knew and which seemed best to me when he’d explained that it sounded like a plan. This was an eye opening and frankly disquieting realization, but I am now more than ever aware of my risk factor. Thankfully, I have a robust support system. If I were to explain what it feels like to be suicidal, I would say it is hopeless and exhausting. The simple act of being alive feels like a chore, something tiring to get through. It feels like a desperate need for a break. It feels like constant discomfort and uneasiness. Living simply feels wrong. I, luckily, have never once truly wanted to be dead or intended to carry out an act of suicide. Regardless, I have still fallen on the scale of suicidality.

Conclusion

It is my hope that one day people will feel more comfortable with the topic of suicide. The more we bring awareness to it and discuss our lived experiences, the better off we will be. More people will be saved from suicide, and more people will support and care for one another. It is not a moral failing to be suicidal, remember that.